Let me get this straight - grown, well-educated adults are looking for cross-dressing impostors and witch-like heathens to guard their loved ones?

If I interviewed a prospective nanny and she looked anything remotely like a man, there would be no need to check the references.

And we all know that ‘spoonful of sugar’ is just street slang for crystal meth.

Other favourites listed in the survey included Maria from The Sound of Music, Supernanny and Alice from The Brady Bunch.

Surely they can’t be serious??

After 13 years of religious education take my word for it, an ex-nun with a guitar wears thin very quickly.

Does anyone remember the Brady’s dog Tiger? The one that just disappeared one episode never to be seen again? Next time you see Alice, ask her if she has any recollections of it or if she could perhaps provide a DNA sample.

And as for Supernanny – anyone who looks like a porn star would not be looking after my kids. Actually scratch that, any one who looks like a British porn star would not be looking after my kids.

So despite my faith in the Australian public never wavering, I have to admit, I’m disappointed who they’d leave in charge of their children.
For me though, there can be only one choice.

“This girl doesn’t even look like me. There is only one Naomi and it’s a full-time job, let me tell you.”

Most people underestimate the amount of time each day it takes to throw your phone at people, but not me.

Not me Naomi, not me.

While tests cannot prove beyond doubt that this is in fact Jesus’ last resting place, Cameron says that if it’s not ‘then it’s another Jesus who lived at the exact same time as Jesus Christ’.

Seeing almost 60% of Jerusalem was named ‘Jesus’ at that time, surely that wouldn’t be much of a stretch?

Once again it appears we’ve debunked Cameron’s claims that he is in fact the second coming.

Recently single Hugh was walking the red carpet and posing for pictures when a mysterious brunette jumped forward and clamped a metal handcuff and chain to his left wrist, attaching herself to the unflappable actor.

While in the past there’s no doubt Mr. Grant would have paid for such behaviour, this attention was clearly unwanted, however he continued to sign autographs and pose for fans as he waited for fire crews to set him free.

Having avoided marrying Elizabeth Hurley and Jemima Khan, you can’t blame Hugh for being afraid of the old ‘ball and chain’. (boom! tish!)

After running into a ‘close friend’ at such event, I realised my legitimate excuse of ‘I’m a music journo and my Dad really wanted to come’ actually sounded worse than anything I could have potentially made up. If only liking boybands was a more socially acceptable crime. However it wasn’t until I read about retired Polish school teacher, Leszek Szwerowski, that my ‘cultural faux pas’ paled into comparison.

You see Leszek (yes, it does sound like a slang word for ‘lesbian sex’; I know you were thinking it) is suing the organisers of a world record sex session after they forgot to pixelate his face. That’s right, the 61-year old Polish hornbag kindly offered to help out the three young women who were trying to have sex with as many men as they could over the course of several hours.

However Leszek said the company behind the event reneged on promises to keep his identity secret, leaving him embarrassed when his young nephew saw him on the DVD. Somehow I think his nephew might have leant more to the physically sick side of ‘embarrassed’.

This should make quite an interesting case, however you’d love to see the judge throw it out and rule that ‘world record gangbangers forfit all rights upon entry’.

No doubt Ralph Fiennes will be watching the outcome of this one closely.

Ah hello??? Who would have thought that ‘running on time’ would have been a concern to public transport travellers.

I’m not sure the last time Ms. Kosky caught a train other than Puffing Billy, but ‘punctuality’ is right behind ‘not getting stabbed’ on my list of public transport priorities.

If you could look into that, that would be wonderful.

Hitler expert Sir Ian Kershaw doubted the German leader ‘would have wanted his mugshot on a wine bottle’.

Unconfirmed reports insist it is infact a left-over ‘Allo ‘Allo! prop.

In unrelated news, I’m selling the Hanson t-shirt Jesus wore at The Last Supper for $25,000.

Bids close Tuesday. Or until James Cameron unearths it.

Some judges (Marcia Hines excluded) have been upfront enough to say that I can’t sing or dance unless it’s to Kenny Loggins. Nevertheless, this hasn’t hampered my dreams of gracing the stage and during the week I finally found my opportunity.

Cameron Mackintosh’s acclaimed new production of Boublil & Shonberg’s MISS SAIGON requires someone to play Tam, a non-singing or dancing lead - and I am perfect for the part.

Unfortunately they’re looking for Asian/Eurasian boys ages between 4-8, less that 100cm tall. Once again, my burgeoning career has been held back by discrimination.

What is Eurasian anyway?

A quick Google search tells me that not only is model/convicted drug-user Michelle Leslie of Eurasian decent,

but so is the fearsome Eurasian Dragon,

which I’m led to believe is a distant relative of the Liger.

While both Leslie, the dragon and the Liger will get you out of a Balinese prison, only one can successfully pretend to be a Muslim.

At 80 years of age I can see the obvious benefits of settling down, but Hef, for so long you’ve stood for everything the male species has longed for – buxom women, a grotto and the freedom to wear a smoking jacket outside hours acceptable to most adults.

Now Hugh will merely represent the man who passed up a foursome everynight to spend all his time with this …

Clearly even at 80, he’s lost none of his marbles.
Touche Hefner, well played you old dog.

Yes Fairytale Superstars was a wonderful success and for this I must do a quick little Oscar speech and thank my co-writer, Erin Thomas, the amazing cast of Mark Sipple, Marika Aubrey and Wes Snelling, Ben on lights/staging, Brigid the choreographer who’s not only talented, but gorgeous and I’d like to sleep with her and all our family and friends who came along (those who could get tickets that weren’t already SOLD – toot!), I thank you all for your support and hope the inner 4 year old in you all had as much fun as Gary Glitter through Thailand.

Needless to say I’m really happy with how it all went and now after co-writing a show that features not only a Young Diva’s reference and a Wham song, but also Humpty Dumpty rapping to My Humps, I can die a happy man.

Until next school holidays, when we’ll do it all again.